i had sent her a myspace message saying the prayer request i sent to mike-my-youth-group-guy, and that he forwarded to everyone else in the youth group, and telling her how scared i was for her, and especially how much i love her.
she finally responded.
and i. am. so. happy.
not knowing if she was alive or dead really put my life into perspective though.
i really need to stop sweating the small stuff.
i came really close to something i really don't want to be anymore. . .i kept thinking about killing myself, how easy it would be, and everything. i don't want to die anymore. but there's a part of me that just. . .can't throw itself out of this funk. i'm so used to being crazy suicidal that i can't break free. i'm not sure what to feel, you know?
if i let all the small stuff pile up on me, then i'm going to end up right the hell back as the suicidal person that i don't want to be anymore.
i need to not get pissed off in geometry over losing ten points for not using a formula.
i need to not get pissed off over kids making fun of me for leaving the room during shindler's list when a man beats the crap outta a woman.
i need to not get pissed off over every person who uses gay as an insult.
i need to get pissed off when someone calls me a dyke and makes fun of me for being the gender identity and sexuality that i am.
i need to get pissed off if i see someone getting abused and people not caring.
i need to get pissed off about how "God hates fags" and fred phelps and the whole south baptist [?] church thing.
i need to get pissed off over people raping other people.
but i need to not get pissed off over things that don't matter, or else i will drive myself crazy. [my OCD is kicking in right now. just btw.] i need to not let every little thing get to me until i can't deal with it anymore.
i don't want to be suicidal anymore.
and yes, ik i've had this realization before, a few times, most notably on emmaus when i then spent ten full minutes hyperventilating with my face pressed into an angel's collarbone while she hugged me. . .actually, i spent a whole lot of time like that. . .i was a really bad wreck that weekend, but in a good way. . .it helped me a LOT to be able to just get out my emotions in a place where i know i'll always be safe. . .hence i go to the youth group every week. i don't feel safe at home. i don't feel safe at school. that's the only place i can go where i don't need to be scared that someone will call me a name or smack me or rape me [i have pretty crazy virginitiphobia--fear of rape.] or abuse me in any way. [i'm clenching my jaw really badly, which is kinda awkward.]
i don't want to hurt anymore.
i'm thinking of starting a new LJ. there's so much drama attached to this one. it's not that i don't like you guys [yea all like two of you that read this] or anything. i just. . .think i need to start fresh now.
maybe i'll be back on this name. who knows, you know? haha.
feel free to come find me. you guys are like a family to me. [and then there's my sister. . .hahahahaha. she'll get that; no one else will. . .as usual.]
i'll prolly friend you if i ever get around to making it. if i don't, then just go into sarano14's profile, cuse i'll friend her or else she'll kick my ass while we wait for the bus on fridays. =D
it's 4 44AM. damn it, now it's 4 45AM.
i need to shower and finish my coffee. . .no sleep for me. haha.
o yea and one more thing of news: i'm sending in an application today to go to a music camp. . .SINGING TENOR! and before anyone asks, no, i'm not on t, my voice is really just that low naturally. you'd never guess it from my speaking voice, or my height, but i can get down lower [*and still be in a comfortable and natural range*] than any other girl i know. i know girls who can HIT bass notes, but they can't SING there and still a. not sound like total crap, and b. completely be ruining their head voices. yea most of my friends are sop I sop II and a few alto I. . .and pretty much all of my youth group is sop I and i'm generally two octaves below them when we sing our Godmusic. it's pretty intense. but anyway, i'm just really glad that i'm getting to [hopefully] go to this camp and sing tenor. it's kinda a big thing for me.
[and also, my foot fell asleep. roar.]
so i'll either be back here or starting something knew. . .who knows?
Current Location: family room floor.
Current Mood: =]
Current Music: iTunes = hates me.